Homeward bound...

Finals are rounding down, I am about to go home for an extended stay. And after Thanksgiving break, I am scared of returning.

I returned home the first time full of exuberance after knowing what God wanted of me, knowing that Vennard was a thing to show me that the reasons for thinking about returning where crap reasons. And then I got there and realized the crap reason was still there.

I am now faced with returning again, and this time I will probably be unable to avoid seeing her again. I have been pounded with ideas of love for the first nineteen years of my life that have seem to be totally false and I still can not shake it.

I can see no way to escape this, I can see no way to avoid it, and I still feel responsible for it.

I know that as soon as I get home I will receive more messages saying she wants to see me, and I do not know if I will be strong enough to say no this time. Emotions die hard.

Basketball

In less then 24 hours, I will have suited(maybe played) in a basketball game. And this is the most nervous I have felt in years about basketball.

Usually I can not sleep the night before, but that is just due to the pure excitement of knowing that tomorrow I get to pick up a ball and play.

This time, I am scared, I do not know what to expect, I do not know what it will be like.

Basketball has been a magic fix all for me, when I am angry, or sad, or whatever, I just go out and play. Toss up some shots, people generally will not talk to you if you seem intent in it.

But tomorrow it can not be that, because tomorrow the only thing I am worried about is basketball.

But this seems a lot better then everything else that I have worried about the past few months.

Gods Plan

There is a flaw, with those people who believe in God's perfect plan, the one where he uses people to follow and achieve his will.

People screw up, we fail, we make mistakes. The thing that sets us apart, knowledge of right and wrong, is the very thing that tears down His plan.

Every persons plan is directly related to other peoples plans, so if one person decides "You know what, I do not want to go and do this thing, even though I think I am supposed to." And then whoever else was intertwined with that plan is screwed, aren't they?

I am left back where I was, I still firmly believe I was supposed to go to Vennard, and I will be regarded as stupid by many for a "misinterpretation" of God's plan for my life. However, what if there is some rich graduate of Vennard, who was asked by God to give the money to keep it open, who just decided not to?

I do not know what I am going to do, I do not know where I am going to go, but I now have another mistake to add to my list of ever growing regrets.

OT Style

I wonder often if God still works Old Testament style. When we go to church, we hear about His love and how if we don't love Him and accept Jesus we are going to hell.

But what about the Old Testament style earthly punishment from above? Where when you screw up, God lets you know it. He makes you wonder in the wilderness.

I feel like I am in the wilderness. Outside of the promised land. I yearn for the day when He will let me enter, when I will be able to live life and love it again.

For now, I will get by, yes, I still have times I enjoy. But ultimately, I feel like I am being punished for the choice I made to come here.

Ah heck, lets read some more of the depressing books like Hosea, isn't it fun.

Story still untitled

I wrote this for a creative writing club, don't know what to call it yet.

Saul woke up in morning, taking his shower, brushing his teeth. Then he walked to his dresser, put on his clothes. The way he started everyday, but today was different. Everything was different. Yesterday his world ended.
I am gonna get through this. He thought. If I can’t, who can? He laced up his sneakers and then he reached for his wallet. hovering for a moment. The wallet had been a gift, at the time he had loved it. “I will think of you every day until the day the wallet wears out.” He had said when he opened it. Today he does not want to remember. Saul’s whole world crashed in that one moment, now he could not have hope. How could someone hope for something that was over?
Yet Saul still hoped, as much as he tried he could not stop. Hope was driving him to something, but he had no clue where. Saul finally broke out of his trance and picked the wallet up, dropping it into his pocket. The familiar weight did just irritated the skin under the pocket today. Saul felt as if he was catching the flu, every fiber of clothing rubbed him the wrong way. All Saul wanted to do was break down, curl up and cry. I have shed enough tears over this. No more, not today, not ever. It is finished for me.
Not the first time Saul had thought that, Saul often faked strength when he was weak to get through the day, to not let anyone know that inside of his head resembled a fairgrounds the day after it ended. Desolate, trash blowing all over the spot where just the night before kids had played on the Tilt-a-Whirl. The fun times Saul had then meant nothing today, today everything was a scar. He walked past the living room and tried not to look inside, tried not to bring back the memories he just did not want anymore. When he finally reached the car door he was ten minutes late, even worse was that he could not escape his head in the car. Even in this old, beat up truck he had memories. Of trips out of town, of having to call for help when it died on the side of the road. “Am I not safe anywhere?” A shout erupts. Saul did not even feel it coming, the explosion had just been building. He started the car and turned the music up very high, mostly to cover up his own sobs as he drove to work.
Saul still arrived fifteen minutes early, a combination of his devotion to work and his rage induced speeding through the streets. He took a swig of his water and moved the rearview to show his face. He saw the marks where the tears had ran and poured some water onto a stray shirt he had laying inside, for once he was happy to be a slob. He scrubbed his face clean and closed his eyes. Whispering a prayer for strength as he got out of his truck. He forced a smile onto his face, making himself appear to be as happy as he always was. Today was going to be one crappy day at the store.
~~~
The clock finally hit four, Saul clocked out and was out the back door without saying goodbye to anyone, he had managed his day, now he would get to go home and spend the night curled up in his bed, not having to fear the moment when he would break down any longer. The drive home happened just the way the drive to work happened, much to fast and with reckless abandon. Saul just did not care that day. His escape at work only lasted as long as he had to think, once he finished the fresh tasks and moved on to the menial, tedious jobs his mind was free to wander. Wandering just made him pick at the scabs in his head, reopening the wounds that he just could not close.
Saul got home, once again having survived careless driving on his part and missing any patrolmen out on the roads. Saul unlocked his door and then collapsed, knowing that no one would see him in this place. His whole body convulsed as he sobbed, looking more like a child in pain then a man. “Why can’t I get better?” He screamed, opening the rawest of human emotions, sounding barbaric in his pain.
Then he looked up. “What are you doing here?”
“We need to talk.”

Thoughtlife

And my heart,
Left my chest,
So forgive me.
As you leave to find
That next something new

But I can't
For the life of me remember when
You changed your words from "I love you"
To saying, "you don't know"

Just know that you can't
Take back what you said
Darling, I'm not in the forgiving mood
You kept on replying, it was all in my head
Well your just a liar, and I've got the proof
I've got the proof

So with these few words you'll erase me
Two years of our lives, meant nothing to you
But this fool, that you made of me has a lesson learned
You can't trust a lover, who was never a friend...
...The end

Just know that you can't
Take back what you said
Darling I'm not in the forgiving mood
You kept on replying, it was all in my head
Well your just a liar, and I've got proof
I've got the proof

I would have offered my life,
Taken you home, made you my wife,
But hearing you now,
Filling your mouth,
With the cowards lies,
Your just a disguise.
Of the girl of my dreams
But I know she's waiting for me

So I'll open my eyes,
To the day that's before me,
And leave here to find
That next something new

This is why I love emery. For some reason, their songs just seem to be me. I do not know why, but they do, its pretty awesome.I think it means I need to sit down and chill with Devon Shelton.

Storms

Curfews in dorms suck.

A storm is raging right outside my window. I want to go step into the rain, feel the power as the thunder shakes the ground and my clothes are dripping with the water, the lightning flashes offer glimpses of the world as it is, scary.

I am scared, scared of what I have become, scared of the choices I have made, scared of what I am when I look in the mirror.

Scared of what is going to happen when I close my eyes and fall asleep. Scared of the dreams that may come.

I have been hanging out in Psalms 71 recently, a random find of Scripture when David was scared.

"Rescue me and deliver me in your righteousness;
turn your ear to me and save me

Be my rock of refuge,
to which I can always go;
give the command to save me,
for you are my rock and my fortress."

Psalm 71:2-3

I have been praying, and praying, and praying. At times for every problem to be solved, and times for every problem to just disappear.

My faith is small, which means my fortress is small. Is knowing that going to make things any better?

Watermelon

I was hiking through the woods, its autumn. I hear the crunch under my feet as I walk. I look down and I see wild watermelon growing amongst the leaves. There is one that is just perfect. Right color, right size, everything about seems perfect. I bend over to pick it up from the vine but when I reach down my hand goes right through, I pick up the top part of the rind and it is rotten all the way through it. I look around and there are a lot of other melons growing, but none looks good compared to that one.

Crazy dream I had last night, can't get it out of my head. Can't figure it out, gonna chill at the library tomorrow and see what I can find.

Mr. Fe-he-heeny!

"Over the course of a persons life they come across a few defining moments. It is an opportunity, really. This is one of yours." Mr. Feeny, Boy Meets World Season 9, Ep 1

The past month has been insane.

A whirlwind of everything, emotions, decisions, and spraying people with canned air while they shower. They have received nasty frost bite exacted their revenge on others involved in the plot, that part has been good.

I have made the final decision, I am transferring to Vennard, it is finished, told Ryan today.

It is the first decision I have made in months that actually feels like I am doing what I am supposed to do. It is a good feeling, knowing you made the right decision instead of hoping.

I wish I had done it eight months ago when I started regretting the decision to come here, but what is in the past is in the past.

I know this is what I am supposed to do, for the first time, I know.

Strange trips...

When my mom found the bottle of vodka in my room, the first thing she said was "Patric, I hope you were drinking for recreation and not for escape. Our family has a very addictive personality."

I know my addiction, it is hard to get over it. It is not the traditional alcoholism, or sex, or food(love that too, not to the addiction level though). No, it is nothing like that.

I really do not know how to describe it. It is an addiction to the person I love, even though they are not ready. I have tried to let go so much over the past few months but always try to win her back. I really do not know how to though.

I have prayed, I have ran to distractions, I have even started going to therapy.

Nothing is really helping, I want her to be safe and to wait for me. I do not understand what is going on really.

It is really my poison. I am fighting it and losing, many times over so far.

Well, as of now I am ten minutes sober. I will try to carry on.

Major decisions, part 2!

Just like the sequel to the "The Hills Have Eyes", no one wanted to see the first one, and they REALLY don't want the second one.

I have fixed one aspect of my life, got rid of a major thing that was eating at my life.

Now on to another major decision.

What to do in the spring? I was going to put it off for another few days but Ryan asked me today.

Do I still want to go home? When I started thinking about it a major reason was the girl, but she is gone now.

At least this one I will not spend out in a tree, listening to Emery thinking about how bad stuff is.

This one is really a win win, I like it here, its fine. I have guys who I like and can talk to, really cool professors, and I know what kind of leadership this college turns out.

But I also love Iowa, I see what the others that have come here from there think about it now.

The yearly meeting has supported me in everything, and I know that they will support me if I stay here, but I do not want to be like the others, where I come here saying I will go back and serve the Lord alongside them. Then lose interest because the people here are pushing me in many other ways.

And I will be closer to my family, plus I have escapes there. When I need to be alone now I have to go wonder and hope that no one happens upon me. When I need a stretched period to recover I can go home and go sit by my river.

Almost

Today was almost a glorious day.

Yeah, I still thought about her, it still hurt, I still want her, but I am doing better.

But it was good, and maybe it was because I had basketball, or took a trip to Wal-Mart, or did not really have class today.

Or because I have guys who I actually enjoy hanging out with.

Tomorrow may be better, I may think about her less, not at all will not happen for a very long time though.

But when I go to bed, I know that I will not feel as bad as I did before.

I may almost smile.

Gone

How come no one ever stays?

In some case it is God who wants them, that I can kind of understand. I mean, when God calls someone to go, go, when God wants someone to go spend eternity with Him, fine, I will not like it at the time but after a few days I will deal.

What about the other ones? What about the one who spends his whole life in the church, professing his faith for God, then one day wakes up and just decides that he has spent the past years of his life worshiping a lie? What about when this kid is your best friend, who you go to for fellowship and to spiritually grow and learn of the Lord together. When that is taken away, how do you march on?

What about the girl, the first one that you ever love. The one who at night you dream of them and smile, the one who for every waking moment you wonder why you made the mistake of leaving her and running away to some little town in Kansas, just because it is where you always said you would go? What about when this girl professes her love for you, but can not wait for you? When she tells you she loves you, but she can not wait fifty four days until you are back home, even though she knows she is going to regret it. Does this make love a lie? or the girl that I love a liar?

Where do I go? When do things get better? When will life be happy? Should I just destroy my faith in humanity now so I do not waste my lifetime? Should I run away and wonder in the wilderness for my answers? Should I stay here or transfer to Vennard? Should I pray more? Should I read more? Should I take my schoolwork more seriously? Should I go to church tomorrow? Should I have the fries or the tator tots with my burger? Should I quit asking questions?

I do not want to sleep, because I do not want to dream, I do not want to think, I do not want to eat. Right now, it takes a lot to just let breath go through my body because every moment it hurts.

Bitches are bitches, where is the bonfire?

Confusing

I would not give up, you beg me to.
I ask you to love me, you say you do.
You tell me to give up, I listen to you.
I give up, you can not watch me go.
You are confused? What about me?
Either tell him to walk, or let me try to be free.
You can not get both.


Won't someone tell me what to do?

Bedtime!

Well, today was a very strange day. Some parts were amazing, some parts were terrible.

I am going to bed hoping that God will give me one of those awesome dreams where I see what is going to happen, it has been awhile since that occurred, but they sure do make things a lot easier.

Plus, when He does I feel special, like I have super powers or something.

Getting through

The item I have used the most that was given to me after graduation, outside of my really nice purple towel, is a book called "Prayer and Praises for a Graduate.

It was given to me by a pastor from Marshalltown who I did not have much of a relationship with, we had worked together a little on camp stuff and most of the time I made fun of him behind his back for being a pretend indian. But whenever something is troubling me, I can open up the book and there will be a page that helps.

Somehow, God is gonna make me better for this, even though right now I force myself to eat because I am never hungry and all I want to do is sleep. Even though I just wish the pain would go away, I know it won't for awhile, but God is gonna make me better through this.

Until then, I really hope that they keep making food that looks really good so even when I do not feel like eating I can make myself eat.

Well

I was hoping I could stop my teenage angst ridden stuff by now, but whatever.

I mean, tell me months ago I would actually take advantage of the campus crazy police and I would not have believed you.

But I just made another appointment.

Damn, I really wish life would get easy.

Fantasy Basketball!

Tomorrow at one o'clock is my fantasy basketball draft, I am very excited. I also have a class, which means I will have to be very sneaky as I make my picks.

Also, just started watching It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia online, definitely worth it.

And Jadon, I am almost a hundred percent sure you are the only one who reads my blog, so HI!

So

Not feeling inspired.

I wanted nothing more then for her to say it.

Now I want nothing more then for me to not want to say it.

Funny how things will never work out.

Did it.

I did it, I fucking did it!

Gave up, then I actually felt hungry.

Maybe now my blogs won't be so emo.

Even though the only person who reads this so far is my almost emo little brother.

Burn

Giving Up

I can not believe I am giving up.

It is the end, I hope.

Maybe, this time, I will actually listen to myself and not keep trying.

More along listen to everyone else.

I can not believe I am doing this.

How come no one ever told us it was going to be this hard?

Is it a lie?

Is it all a lie?

We are bombarded in the media with the sense of love, that it always works out, that it is able to conquer all, it is wonderful, you will always feel good.

I slept about four hours last night, I ate very little to day, and I have still not felt sleepy at midnight despite having a full day.

The reason? This wonderful thing called love.

It has transformed itself into a myth at some point, along the way either love changed or we ignore it.

The biggest one: Fate.

Love is wonderful, but it will not work out unless you try, and right now, I am the only one trying.

I do not know how I will make it through this, I hope to sleep tonight, I hope to feel like eating tomorrow.

But most of all, I hope that she will call me and tell me that she is sorry.

That she forgives me.

That she wants me back.

That she wants us back.

Really, what I am hoping for is fate.