The Church

If you are what the Church looks like, then its no wonder why my generation is fleeing. I have spent years of my life saying I could not wait to get a job and work for the Church, and now this summer. I have had my eyes open, I see what people have made you become. So often you tear down, you rip us apart, tell us we aren't good enough for God. Those Quakers out east who don't even know God still treat His people better then you. You have to get your head on right otherwise the congregations will dwindle, the work will change. And at this point, it sure seems like God wouldn't want me to be with you.

Judas

There has been something that has bothered me for awhile now, I have been filled with questions about Judas. Now, I know that it had to happen the way it happened, Jesus had to be betrayed to fulfill the prophecies of the Messiah, but on the other hand, since Jesus was perfect? How could he have failed someone like that? I mean, because of what happened Judas took his own life, so wouldn't that mean Jesus failed him? Jesus failed to mentor this man to live the right way?

I have had these thoughts for awhile and then I saw a Discovery special about some writings that arose later that were called "The Secret Gospel of Judas". I thought that maybe that was the answer to the question. It made sense to me that Jesus would ask Judas to make that sacrifice and then it just tore Judas up. It just made more sense to me that Jesus would ask Judas to give this up, to betray the one he loved and served. If that were true, then Jesus wouldn't have failed, and the feelings would have been just as real when Judas betrayed Him. Imagine having someone turning you over to die who didn't want to do it but had to and how hard that would be for them? I studied these writings further, however, and I feel like they are crap so far. I may delve further into them as I struggle to answer the question, because if Jesus was perfect, then how did he fail?

Greatness

I have been struggling a lot lately with inadequacy. I have never been the best at anything, no matter how much I love it. A prime example is basketball, in high school, I played more in the offseason then anyone else. I worked on every aspect, learned anything I could to make myself better and yet at the end of my senior season, there I was, sitting on the bench watching others play, others who I had worked so much harder than at the sport I loved so much more.

The disciples only got momentary glances at greatness. When Jesus took three of them up to the mountain and they saw the transfiguration, for a moment they experienced greatness. But they had to go back down. It is not our greatness in which we prove ourselves. It is not the mountains, but the valleys in which we test our mettle.

Where do I come from.

I come from a family where I have everything I need to do what I want to do. I was raised in a Christian home where my mom was a pastor and my dad had the job that I one day want to have. And this seems to go against everything I read and understand about what I am supposed to do. David was a shepard who became king, the disciples were mostly barely religious men turned to Christ, and me, I have everything. Doesn't that make me the unqualified one to follow this calling?

So..

Its about giving blessings. If I do not continue to give the blessings I receive I can not enlarge other peoples horizons

Where oh where...

I really don't know if I have gone anywhere this week in my walk. I am at one of those stand still spots. The thing about standstill spots though is that when you are done with it and move on you can see the progress you made.

Some good, some bad, but all worthwhile.

Well, it has been a crazy August, full of lots of things, from freak hailstorms to girl problems to fun fights with family. And I am definitely ready for September to start. My mom asked me yesterday how things were going, and I responded with "Interestingly." She took it to mean good, and I explained some of it was good, some was bad, but I knew all of it would be worthwhile.

September will hopefully have more of the good life then the good growing experiences, because I am ready for some happy fun times.

A short one

Lay it all out before Him, and let Him say "Let your heart not be troubled."

Big words.

The weekend...

Well, once again I feel like retreat would be better spent if we stayed on campus and just rented out a pool and had chapel because that is pretty much the only thing that happens. I do not feel some grand change after retreat, which is fine because I did last year but it took me seven months to actually let God finish it. What sticks out to me is something I thought of while taking a nap on one of the trails.

"We do not seclude ourselves to be alone, we seclude ourselves to be sought out."

How often is it that a person actually goes off alone to be alone? Very rarely do I do this, most of the time I go off in hopes of someone saying "Gee, I wish Patric were here, lets look for him!" Which has hardly been the case.

Chambers thought I should remember I influence everyone. The chances for the greatest influence are those when we do not plan on it.

God in... Hell?

Well, my first problem with St. Augustine. In the second part of book 1, he says at one point "because nothing which exists could exist without Thee, doth therefore whatever exists contain Thee? Since, then, I too exist, why do I seek that Thou shouldest enter into me, who were not, wert Thou not in me? Why? because I am not gone down in hell, and yet Thou art there also." This seems to me to be an argument for guaranteed salvation, which would make me sharing the gospel a useless endeavor, and the thought that God is also in hell just seems to go against everything I have ever learned about what hell is.

Utmost and Highest talked about how we should be a child of God because when we are a child we conform to the will of God, it is good to see someone else agree with me, well me with them since the book was written a very long time ago.

Spiritual Formation Journal

Because Doc D said we could pretty much write our journal on whatever we want, I am going to make that my blog posts for the next little while, because it already exists, I hate actually writing things down, and maybe someone will stumble upon something meaningful in it that will help them through something.

At the end of last semester, I started reading "Utmost and Highest" as my devotional, this continued through most of the summer up until the last week after the storm hit and all my time was spent working, so I will be starting that again for my daily devotions, I also am going to read sections of Confessions of St. Augustine after I finish my devotions because it is pretty hefty and I do not want to have to read it all in a rush. This, along with the everything else at Barclay College and life in general will be included in this journal.

For where I am starting out, I feel that I have the spiritual life of a middle aged person. Which means I have a long ways to go since we are supposed to have the faith of a child.

Todays verse in Utmost and Highest is from Matthew, when Jesus says "Come onto Me". I have really enjoyed this devotional because it closely examines one verse in ways I have never thought of. The way Chambers interprets this passage is that there are times when everything from the outside world piles up and makes us lose our focus on God. When I prayed before the reading, I asked for guidance about a current battle I am about to wage in the best, most respectful way I can, although against the authority that has the most immediate power over me next to God and my mom. I asked God for his help in discerning how far and hard I should take this, I think I should take it as far as I can as long as I do not lose my focus on Him.

Random Story

“Why can't we smoke weed?” “Why do bad things happen to good people?” “Why does God take good people away early?” All questions we were bombarding our counselors and staff with at camp. At sixteen years old, sitting amongst my peers in a sweltering heat of the chapel building and wondering when they would give something that was not safe as an answer. As the director of camp cycled through question after question we had written down on little slips of paper just trying to figure it all out. While some of us had used the questions as a frame to throw some hilarity into life, some people took it seriously and asked things bothering them for months, questions that had been on their backs and dragging them down into the muck of everyone else's lives and out of the “chosen people” we were so often told we were supposed to be. We asked questions so that we could become set apart.

“This question is one of my favorites.” The directors voice billowed, able to fill so many of us sitting in those seats with fear and love and every other emotion at the same time. I turned to him and saw the sweat rolling over his large frame as he moved the microphone away from his mouth so the audience could not hear his gasp for air as that I knew was happening. “Why do the older church leaders stop the youth from taking over.” He swiped his forehead, another gasp, a pause as he collected his thoughts before uttering words that would undoubtedly change someones life forever. “This is a great question, I have been wrestling with it myself since I read it yesterday. I would like whoever wrote this to stand up.

I felt the sudden chill I often associate with my spiritual moments, while at the same time I was suddenly even more thankful I had rid my shirt of sleeves as I felt the sweat become even more profusely. I struggled as I glanced around anxiously and held onto the edge of my chair. I felt my legs quiver a slight bit as I stood up and almost hoped someone else would, that someone else would take credit for this embarrassing question that I had scribbled down finally after deciding not to go with the oddly humorous one that would not be answered. I stood up and turned to face him.

“I'm sorry, I really am, when I asked the person to stand up, I didn't know it was going to be Patric.” I heard my dad say as he looked me in the eye. This was when I had it all figured out, but somewhere along the way, I lost it all.

The Couch

There is a scene in Scrubs where JD finally gets what he wants more then anything, Elliot is sitting next to him on the couch watching lame tv shows and eating pizza, and then he realizes that he doesn't want that anymore.

Thats where I am, what I had hoped for over six months of my life fell into my lap, and I am saying no. Its incredibly hard to do, I hate saying no to people I don't like or care about. Let alone to someone who was so important in my life, but I have to, or atleast think I do.

Spiritual Formation Week sure started with a bang.

Its monday night and weeks away.

It is monday night, we are just weeks away from the NBA playoffs, the races are tight for the final positions in a league that is regaining its popularity and what is on TNT? Law and Order. What is on ESPN? Lame sports that no one cares about. Orlando and Miami, two exciting teams with superstar players pulling them into the playoffs played a game decided by under ten points, but outside of Florida no one watched it.

Time to start

Well, after an absence from blogging in order to cure my insanity. I'm back, and no longer insane in that way, so I will start blogging again, and do it every day for awhile. A line a day, as Mrs. Granzow would always say.

The Truth

I am not a hero.
I am the villain, the thief, the one sent to hurt you.
But you escaped.
I knew the world and what I wanted.
But you saw the truth.
I am weak, I am foolish.
I do not know where I am going.
I faked it, hoped I would make it.
Told everyone the path.
I am no better, no more secure.
I know not what to do.
I thought I was the answer.
The way to save you.
When really, I threw you to the wolves.
I was not your escape.
The only way for you to be free.
Is for me to leave.

Smooth

I shaved, again, total baby face.

Since it is so cold and basketball has not been so much of a relaxing thing as it usually is, and more of a bored why am I still playing thing, shaving has become a way to relax.

It is a way to start a new, go a few days and get some scruffle, then shave so that you recognize the face looking back at you, it has gone from personnel grooming to a spiritual experience, like when I take showers until we are out of hot water at home and I just stand there and enjoy the warm liquid rolling down my skin.

Only a fool looks at himself in the mirror and forget what he looks like as soon as he leaves.

I keep staring, hoping that at some point I will remember what I am supposed to do when I was so sure so recently that I was doing right.

I just don't know...

The sounds of the White Stripes have been bombarding me all day.

I just don't know what to do with myself.

I was afraid to come back home, then I was afraid to come back to school, and now nothing really seems to be... Fun.

And at the same time I am not depressed like I was when I first got to Barclay, I remember the feeling of dread every time I left my room for the first few months I was here and now I have no problems with it. I just am struggling to find a point to any of it.

Dude, I don't like being emo Patric.

Time for bed, maybe my cold is effecting my mood.

Homeward bound...

Finals are rounding down, I am about to go home for an extended stay. And after Thanksgiving break, I am scared of returning.

I returned home the first time full of exuberance after knowing what God wanted of me, knowing that Vennard was a thing to show me that the reasons for thinking about returning where crap reasons. And then I got there and realized the crap reason was still there.

I am now faced with returning again, and this time I will probably be unable to avoid seeing her again. I have been pounded with ideas of love for the first nineteen years of my life that have seem to be totally false and I still can not shake it.

I can see no way to escape this, I can see no way to avoid it, and I still feel responsible for it.

I know that as soon as I get home I will receive more messages saying she wants to see me, and I do not know if I will be strong enough to say no this time. Emotions die hard.

Basketball

In less then 24 hours, I will have suited(maybe played) in a basketball game. And this is the most nervous I have felt in years about basketball.

Usually I can not sleep the night before, but that is just due to the pure excitement of knowing that tomorrow I get to pick up a ball and play.

This time, I am scared, I do not know what to expect, I do not know what it will be like.

Basketball has been a magic fix all for me, when I am angry, or sad, or whatever, I just go out and play. Toss up some shots, people generally will not talk to you if you seem intent in it.

But tomorrow it can not be that, because tomorrow the only thing I am worried about is basketball.

But this seems a lot better then everything else that I have worried about the past few months.

Gods Plan

There is a flaw, with those people who believe in God's perfect plan, the one where he uses people to follow and achieve his will.

People screw up, we fail, we make mistakes. The thing that sets us apart, knowledge of right and wrong, is the very thing that tears down His plan.

Every persons plan is directly related to other peoples plans, so if one person decides "You know what, I do not want to go and do this thing, even though I think I am supposed to." And then whoever else was intertwined with that plan is screwed, aren't they?

I am left back where I was, I still firmly believe I was supposed to go to Vennard, and I will be regarded as stupid by many for a "misinterpretation" of God's plan for my life. However, what if there is some rich graduate of Vennard, who was asked by God to give the money to keep it open, who just decided not to?

I do not know what I am going to do, I do not know where I am going to go, but I now have another mistake to add to my list of ever growing regrets.