Story still untitled

I wrote this for a creative writing club, don't know what to call it yet.

Saul woke up in morning, taking his shower, brushing his teeth. Then he walked to his dresser, put on his clothes. The way he started everyday, but today was different. Everything was different. Yesterday his world ended.
I am gonna get through this. He thought. If I can’t, who can? He laced up his sneakers and then he reached for his wallet. hovering for a moment. The wallet had been a gift, at the time he had loved it. “I will think of you every day until the day the wallet wears out.” He had said when he opened it. Today he does not want to remember. Saul’s whole world crashed in that one moment, now he could not have hope. How could someone hope for something that was over?
Yet Saul still hoped, as much as he tried he could not stop. Hope was driving him to something, but he had no clue where. Saul finally broke out of his trance and picked the wallet up, dropping it into his pocket. The familiar weight did just irritated the skin under the pocket today. Saul felt as if he was catching the flu, every fiber of clothing rubbed him the wrong way. All Saul wanted to do was break down, curl up and cry. I have shed enough tears over this. No more, not today, not ever. It is finished for me.
Not the first time Saul had thought that, Saul often faked strength when he was weak to get through the day, to not let anyone know that inside of his head resembled a fairgrounds the day after it ended. Desolate, trash blowing all over the spot where just the night before kids had played on the Tilt-a-Whirl. The fun times Saul had then meant nothing today, today everything was a scar. He walked past the living room and tried not to look inside, tried not to bring back the memories he just did not want anymore. When he finally reached the car door he was ten minutes late, even worse was that he could not escape his head in the car. Even in this old, beat up truck he had memories. Of trips out of town, of having to call for help when it died on the side of the road. “Am I not safe anywhere?” A shout erupts. Saul did not even feel it coming, the explosion had just been building. He started the car and turned the music up very high, mostly to cover up his own sobs as he drove to work.
Saul still arrived fifteen minutes early, a combination of his devotion to work and his rage induced speeding through the streets. He took a swig of his water and moved the rearview to show his face. He saw the marks where the tears had ran and poured some water onto a stray shirt he had laying inside, for once he was happy to be a slob. He scrubbed his face clean and closed his eyes. Whispering a prayer for strength as he got out of his truck. He forced a smile onto his face, making himself appear to be as happy as he always was. Today was going to be one crappy day at the store.
~~~
The clock finally hit four, Saul clocked out and was out the back door without saying goodbye to anyone, he had managed his day, now he would get to go home and spend the night curled up in his bed, not having to fear the moment when he would break down any longer. The drive home happened just the way the drive to work happened, much to fast and with reckless abandon. Saul just did not care that day. His escape at work only lasted as long as he had to think, once he finished the fresh tasks and moved on to the menial, tedious jobs his mind was free to wander. Wandering just made him pick at the scabs in his head, reopening the wounds that he just could not close.
Saul got home, once again having survived careless driving on his part and missing any patrolmen out on the roads. Saul unlocked his door and then collapsed, knowing that no one would see him in this place. His whole body convulsed as he sobbed, looking more like a child in pain then a man. “Why can’t I get better?” He screamed, opening the rawest of human emotions, sounding barbaric in his pain.
Then he looked up. “What are you doing here?”
“We need to talk.”

Thoughtlife

And my heart,
Left my chest,
So forgive me.
As you leave to find
That next something new

But I can't
For the life of me remember when
You changed your words from "I love you"
To saying, "you don't know"

Just know that you can't
Take back what you said
Darling, I'm not in the forgiving mood
You kept on replying, it was all in my head
Well your just a liar, and I've got the proof
I've got the proof

So with these few words you'll erase me
Two years of our lives, meant nothing to you
But this fool, that you made of me has a lesson learned
You can't trust a lover, who was never a friend...
...The end

Just know that you can't
Take back what you said
Darling I'm not in the forgiving mood
You kept on replying, it was all in my head
Well your just a liar, and I've got proof
I've got the proof

I would have offered my life,
Taken you home, made you my wife,
But hearing you now,
Filling your mouth,
With the cowards lies,
Your just a disguise.
Of the girl of my dreams
But I know she's waiting for me

So I'll open my eyes,
To the day that's before me,
And leave here to find
That next something new

This is why I love emery. For some reason, their songs just seem to be me. I do not know why, but they do, its pretty awesome.I think it means I need to sit down and chill with Devon Shelton.

Storms

Curfews in dorms suck.

A storm is raging right outside my window. I want to go step into the rain, feel the power as the thunder shakes the ground and my clothes are dripping with the water, the lightning flashes offer glimpses of the world as it is, scary.

I am scared, scared of what I have become, scared of the choices I have made, scared of what I am when I look in the mirror.

Scared of what is going to happen when I close my eyes and fall asleep. Scared of the dreams that may come.

I have been hanging out in Psalms 71 recently, a random find of Scripture when David was scared.

"Rescue me and deliver me in your righteousness;
turn your ear to me and save me

Be my rock of refuge,
to which I can always go;
give the command to save me,
for you are my rock and my fortress."

Psalm 71:2-3

I have been praying, and praying, and praying. At times for every problem to be solved, and times for every problem to just disappear.

My faith is small, which means my fortress is small. Is knowing that going to make things any better?

Watermelon

I was hiking through the woods, its autumn. I hear the crunch under my feet as I walk. I look down and I see wild watermelon growing amongst the leaves. There is one that is just perfect. Right color, right size, everything about seems perfect. I bend over to pick it up from the vine but when I reach down my hand goes right through, I pick up the top part of the rind and it is rotten all the way through it. I look around and there are a lot of other melons growing, but none looks good compared to that one.

Crazy dream I had last night, can't get it out of my head. Can't figure it out, gonna chill at the library tomorrow and see what I can find.

Mr. Fe-he-heeny!

"Over the course of a persons life they come across a few defining moments. It is an opportunity, really. This is one of yours." Mr. Feeny, Boy Meets World Season 9, Ep 1

The past month has been insane.

A whirlwind of everything, emotions, decisions, and spraying people with canned air while they shower. They have received nasty frost bite exacted their revenge on others involved in the plot, that part has been good.

I have made the final decision, I am transferring to Vennard, it is finished, told Ryan today.

It is the first decision I have made in months that actually feels like I am doing what I am supposed to do. It is a good feeling, knowing you made the right decision instead of hoping.

I wish I had done it eight months ago when I started regretting the decision to come here, but what is in the past is in the past.

I know this is what I am supposed to do, for the first time, I know.

Strange trips...

When my mom found the bottle of vodka in my room, the first thing she said was "Patric, I hope you were drinking for recreation and not for escape. Our family has a very addictive personality."

I know my addiction, it is hard to get over it. It is not the traditional alcoholism, or sex, or food(love that too, not to the addiction level though). No, it is nothing like that.

I really do not know how to describe it. It is an addiction to the person I love, even though they are not ready. I have tried to let go so much over the past few months but always try to win her back. I really do not know how to though.

I have prayed, I have ran to distractions, I have even started going to therapy.

Nothing is really helping, I want her to be safe and to wait for me. I do not understand what is going on really.

It is really my poison. I am fighting it and losing, many times over so far.

Well, as of now I am ten minutes sober. I will try to carry on.

Major decisions, part 2!

Just like the sequel to the "The Hills Have Eyes", no one wanted to see the first one, and they REALLY don't want the second one.

I have fixed one aspect of my life, got rid of a major thing that was eating at my life.

Now on to another major decision.

What to do in the spring? I was going to put it off for another few days but Ryan asked me today.

Do I still want to go home? When I started thinking about it a major reason was the girl, but she is gone now.

At least this one I will not spend out in a tree, listening to Emery thinking about how bad stuff is.

This one is really a win win, I like it here, its fine. I have guys who I like and can talk to, really cool professors, and I know what kind of leadership this college turns out.

But I also love Iowa, I see what the others that have come here from there think about it now.

The yearly meeting has supported me in everything, and I know that they will support me if I stay here, but I do not want to be like the others, where I come here saying I will go back and serve the Lord alongside them. Then lose interest because the people here are pushing me in many other ways.

And I will be closer to my family, plus I have escapes there. When I need to be alone now I have to go wonder and hope that no one happens upon me. When I need a stretched period to recover I can go home and go sit by my river.