A short one

Lay it all out before Him, and let Him say "Let your heart not be troubled."

Big words.

The weekend...

Well, once again I feel like retreat would be better spent if we stayed on campus and just rented out a pool and had chapel because that is pretty much the only thing that happens. I do not feel some grand change after retreat, which is fine because I did last year but it took me seven months to actually let God finish it. What sticks out to me is something I thought of while taking a nap on one of the trails.

"We do not seclude ourselves to be alone, we seclude ourselves to be sought out."

How often is it that a person actually goes off alone to be alone? Very rarely do I do this, most of the time I go off in hopes of someone saying "Gee, I wish Patric were here, lets look for him!" Which has hardly been the case.

Chambers thought I should remember I influence everyone. The chances for the greatest influence are those when we do not plan on it.

God in... Hell?

Well, my first problem with St. Augustine. In the second part of book 1, he says at one point "because nothing which exists could exist without Thee, doth therefore whatever exists contain Thee? Since, then, I too exist, why do I seek that Thou shouldest enter into me, who were not, wert Thou not in me? Why? because I am not gone down in hell, and yet Thou art there also." This seems to me to be an argument for guaranteed salvation, which would make me sharing the gospel a useless endeavor, and the thought that God is also in hell just seems to go against everything I have ever learned about what hell is.

Utmost and Highest talked about how we should be a child of God because when we are a child we conform to the will of God, it is good to see someone else agree with me, well me with them since the book was written a very long time ago.

Spiritual Formation Journal

Because Doc D said we could pretty much write our journal on whatever we want, I am going to make that my blog posts for the next little while, because it already exists, I hate actually writing things down, and maybe someone will stumble upon something meaningful in it that will help them through something.

At the end of last semester, I started reading "Utmost and Highest" as my devotional, this continued through most of the summer up until the last week after the storm hit and all my time was spent working, so I will be starting that again for my daily devotions, I also am going to read sections of Confessions of St. Augustine after I finish my devotions because it is pretty hefty and I do not want to have to read it all in a rush. This, along with the everything else at Barclay College and life in general will be included in this journal.

For where I am starting out, I feel that I have the spiritual life of a middle aged person. Which means I have a long ways to go since we are supposed to have the faith of a child.

Todays verse in Utmost and Highest is from Matthew, when Jesus says "Come onto Me". I have really enjoyed this devotional because it closely examines one verse in ways I have never thought of. The way Chambers interprets this passage is that there are times when everything from the outside world piles up and makes us lose our focus on God. When I prayed before the reading, I asked for guidance about a current battle I am about to wage in the best, most respectful way I can, although against the authority that has the most immediate power over me next to God and my mom. I asked God for his help in discerning how far and hard I should take this, I think I should take it as far as I can as long as I do not lose my focus on Him.

Random Story

“Why can't we smoke weed?” “Why do bad things happen to good people?” “Why does God take good people away early?” All questions we were bombarding our counselors and staff with at camp. At sixteen years old, sitting amongst my peers in a sweltering heat of the chapel building and wondering when they would give something that was not safe as an answer. As the director of camp cycled through question after question we had written down on little slips of paper just trying to figure it all out. While some of us had used the questions as a frame to throw some hilarity into life, some people took it seriously and asked things bothering them for months, questions that had been on their backs and dragging them down into the muck of everyone else's lives and out of the “chosen people” we were so often told we were supposed to be. We asked questions so that we could become set apart.

“This question is one of my favorites.” The directors voice billowed, able to fill so many of us sitting in those seats with fear and love and every other emotion at the same time. I turned to him and saw the sweat rolling over his large frame as he moved the microphone away from his mouth so the audience could not hear his gasp for air as that I knew was happening. “Why do the older church leaders stop the youth from taking over.” He swiped his forehead, another gasp, a pause as he collected his thoughts before uttering words that would undoubtedly change someones life forever. “This is a great question, I have been wrestling with it myself since I read it yesterday. I would like whoever wrote this to stand up.

I felt the sudden chill I often associate with my spiritual moments, while at the same time I was suddenly even more thankful I had rid my shirt of sleeves as I felt the sweat become even more profusely. I struggled as I glanced around anxiously and held onto the edge of my chair. I felt my legs quiver a slight bit as I stood up and almost hoped someone else would, that someone else would take credit for this embarrassing question that I had scribbled down finally after deciding not to go with the oddly humorous one that would not be answered. I stood up and turned to face him.

“I'm sorry, I really am, when I asked the person to stand up, I didn't know it was going to be Patric.” I heard my dad say as he looked me in the eye. This was when I had it all figured out, but somewhere along the way, I lost it all.

The Couch

There is a scene in Scrubs where JD finally gets what he wants more then anything, Elliot is sitting next to him on the couch watching lame tv shows and eating pizza, and then he realizes that he doesn't want that anymore.

Thats where I am, what I had hoped for over six months of my life fell into my lap, and I am saying no. Its incredibly hard to do, I hate saying no to people I don't like or care about. Let alone to someone who was so important in my life, but I have to, or atleast think I do.

Spiritual Formation Week sure started with a bang.

Its monday night and weeks away.

It is monday night, we are just weeks away from the NBA playoffs, the races are tight for the final positions in a league that is regaining its popularity and what is on TNT? Law and Order. What is on ESPN? Lame sports that no one cares about. Orlando and Miami, two exciting teams with superstar players pulling them into the playoffs played a game decided by under ten points, but outside of Florida no one watched it.