Finals are rounding down, I am about to go home for an extended stay. And after Thanksgiving break, I am scared of returning.
I returned home the first time full of exuberance after knowing what God wanted of me, knowing that Vennard was a thing to show me that the reasons for thinking about returning where crap reasons. And then I got there and realized the crap reason was still there.
I am now faced with returning again, and this time I will probably be unable to avoid seeing her again. I have been pounded with ideas of love for the first nineteen years of my life that have seem to be totally false and I still can not shake it.
I can see no way to escape this, I can see no way to avoid it, and I still feel responsible for it.
I know that as soon as I get home I will receive more messages saying she wants to see me, and I do not know if I will be strong enough to say no this time. Emotions die hard.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Basketball
In less then 24 hours, I will have suited(maybe played) in a basketball game. And this is the most nervous I have felt in years about basketball.
Usually I can not sleep the night before, but that is just due to the pure excitement of knowing that tomorrow I get to pick up a ball and play.
This time, I am scared, I do not know what to expect, I do not know what it will be like.
Basketball has been a magic fix all for me, when I am angry, or sad, or whatever, I just go out and play. Toss up some shots, people generally will not talk to you if you seem intent in it.
But tomorrow it can not be that, because tomorrow the only thing I am worried about is basketball.
But this seems a lot better then everything else that I have worried about the past few months.
Usually I can not sleep the night before, but that is just due to the pure excitement of knowing that tomorrow I get to pick up a ball and play.
This time, I am scared, I do not know what to expect, I do not know what it will be like.
Basketball has been a magic fix all for me, when I am angry, or sad, or whatever, I just go out and play. Toss up some shots, people generally will not talk to you if you seem intent in it.
But tomorrow it can not be that, because tomorrow the only thing I am worried about is basketball.
But this seems a lot better then everything else that I have worried about the past few months.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Gods Plan
There is a flaw, with those people who believe in God's perfect plan, the one where he uses people to follow and achieve his will.
People screw up, we fail, we make mistakes. The thing that sets us apart, knowledge of right and wrong, is the very thing that tears down His plan.
Every persons plan is directly related to other peoples plans, so if one person decides "You know what, I do not want to go and do this thing, even though I think I am supposed to." And then whoever else was intertwined with that plan is screwed, aren't they?
I am left back where I was, I still firmly believe I was supposed to go to Vennard, and I will be regarded as stupid by many for a "misinterpretation" of God's plan for my life. However, what if there is some rich graduate of Vennard, who was asked by God to give the money to keep it open, who just decided not to?
I do not know what I am going to do, I do not know where I am going to go, but I now have another mistake to add to my list of ever growing regrets.
People screw up, we fail, we make mistakes. The thing that sets us apart, knowledge of right and wrong, is the very thing that tears down His plan.
Every persons plan is directly related to other peoples plans, so if one person decides "You know what, I do not want to go and do this thing, even though I think I am supposed to." And then whoever else was intertwined with that plan is screwed, aren't they?
I am left back where I was, I still firmly believe I was supposed to go to Vennard, and I will be regarded as stupid by many for a "misinterpretation" of God's plan for my life. However, what if there is some rich graduate of Vennard, who was asked by God to give the money to keep it open, who just decided not to?
I do not know what I am going to do, I do not know where I am going to go, but I now have another mistake to add to my list of ever growing regrets.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
OT Style
I wonder often if God still works Old Testament style. When we go to church, we hear about His love and how if we don't love Him and accept Jesus we are going to hell.
But what about the Old Testament style earthly punishment from above? Where when you screw up, God lets you know it. He makes you wonder in the wilderness.
I feel like I am in the wilderness. Outside of the promised land. I yearn for the day when He will let me enter, when I will be able to live life and love it again.
For now, I will get by, yes, I still have times I enjoy. But ultimately, I feel like I am being punished for the choice I made to come here.
Ah heck, lets read some more of the depressing books like Hosea, isn't it fun.
But what about the Old Testament style earthly punishment from above? Where when you screw up, God lets you know it. He makes you wonder in the wilderness.
I feel like I am in the wilderness. Outside of the promised land. I yearn for the day when He will let me enter, when I will be able to live life and love it again.
For now, I will get by, yes, I still have times I enjoy. But ultimately, I feel like I am being punished for the choice I made to come here.
Ah heck, lets read some more of the depressing books like Hosea, isn't it fun.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Story still untitled
I wrote this for a creative writing club, don't know what to call it yet.
Saul woke up in morning, taking his shower, brushing his teeth. Then he walked to his dresser, put on his clothes. The way he started everyday, but today was different. Everything was different. Yesterday his world ended.
I am gonna get through this. He thought. If I can’t, who can? He laced up his sneakers and then he reached for his wallet. hovering for a moment. The wallet had been a gift, at the time he had loved it. “I will think of you every day until the day the wallet wears out.” He had said when he opened it. Today he does not want to remember. Saul’s whole world crashed in that one moment, now he could not have hope. How could someone hope for something that was over?
Yet Saul still hoped, as much as he tried he could not stop. Hope was driving him to something, but he had no clue where. Saul finally broke out of his trance and picked the wallet up, dropping it into his pocket. The familiar weight did just irritated the skin under the pocket today. Saul felt as if he was catching the flu, every fiber of clothing rubbed him the wrong way. All Saul wanted to do was break down, curl up and cry. I have shed enough tears over this. No more, not today, not ever. It is finished for me.
Not the first time Saul had thought that, Saul often faked strength when he was weak to get through the day, to not let anyone know that inside of his head resembled a fairgrounds the day after it ended. Desolate, trash blowing all over the spot where just the night before kids had played on the Tilt-a-Whirl. The fun times Saul had then meant nothing today, today everything was a scar. He walked past the living room and tried not to look inside, tried not to bring back the memories he just did not want anymore. When he finally reached the car door he was ten minutes late, even worse was that he could not escape his head in the car. Even in this old, beat up truck he had memories. Of trips out of town, of having to call for help when it died on the side of the road. “Am I not safe anywhere?” A shout erupts. Saul did not even feel it coming, the explosion had just been building. He started the car and turned the music up very high, mostly to cover up his own sobs as he drove to work.
Saul still arrived fifteen minutes early, a combination of his devotion to work and his rage induced speeding through the streets. He took a swig of his water and moved the rearview to show his face. He saw the marks where the tears had ran and poured some water onto a stray shirt he had laying inside, for once he was happy to be a slob. He scrubbed his face clean and closed his eyes. Whispering a prayer for strength as he got out of his truck. He forced a smile onto his face, making himself appear to be as happy as he always was. Today was going to be one crappy day at the store.
~~~
The clock finally hit four, Saul clocked out and was out the back door without saying goodbye to anyone, he had managed his day, now he would get to go home and spend the night curled up in his bed, not having to fear the moment when he would break down any longer. The drive home happened just the way the drive to work happened, much to fast and with reckless abandon. Saul just did not care that day. His escape at work only lasted as long as he had to think, once he finished the fresh tasks and moved on to the menial, tedious jobs his mind was free to wander. Wandering just made him pick at the scabs in his head, reopening the wounds that he just could not close.
Saul got home, once again having survived careless driving on his part and missing any patrolmen out on the roads. Saul unlocked his door and then collapsed, knowing that no one would see him in this place. His whole body convulsed as he sobbed, looking more like a child in pain then a man. “Why can’t I get better?” He screamed, opening the rawest of human emotions, sounding barbaric in his pain.
Then he looked up. “What are you doing here?”
“We need to talk.”
Saul woke up in morning, taking his shower, brushing his teeth. Then he walked to his dresser, put on his clothes. The way he started everyday, but today was different. Everything was different. Yesterday his world ended.
I am gonna get through this. He thought. If I can’t, who can? He laced up his sneakers and then he reached for his wallet. hovering for a moment. The wallet had been a gift, at the time he had loved it. “I will think of you every day until the day the wallet wears out.” He had said when he opened it. Today he does not want to remember. Saul’s whole world crashed in that one moment, now he could not have hope. How could someone hope for something that was over?
Yet Saul still hoped, as much as he tried he could not stop. Hope was driving him to something, but he had no clue where. Saul finally broke out of his trance and picked the wallet up, dropping it into his pocket. The familiar weight did just irritated the skin under the pocket today. Saul felt as if he was catching the flu, every fiber of clothing rubbed him the wrong way. All Saul wanted to do was break down, curl up and cry. I have shed enough tears over this. No more, not today, not ever. It is finished for me.
Not the first time Saul had thought that, Saul often faked strength when he was weak to get through the day, to not let anyone know that inside of his head resembled a fairgrounds the day after it ended. Desolate, trash blowing all over the spot where just the night before kids had played on the Tilt-a-Whirl. The fun times Saul had then meant nothing today, today everything was a scar. He walked past the living room and tried not to look inside, tried not to bring back the memories he just did not want anymore. When he finally reached the car door he was ten minutes late, even worse was that he could not escape his head in the car. Even in this old, beat up truck he had memories. Of trips out of town, of having to call for help when it died on the side of the road. “Am I not safe anywhere?” A shout erupts. Saul did not even feel it coming, the explosion had just been building. He started the car and turned the music up very high, mostly to cover up his own sobs as he drove to work.
Saul still arrived fifteen minutes early, a combination of his devotion to work and his rage induced speeding through the streets. He took a swig of his water and moved the rearview to show his face. He saw the marks where the tears had ran and poured some water onto a stray shirt he had laying inside, for once he was happy to be a slob. He scrubbed his face clean and closed his eyes. Whispering a prayer for strength as he got out of his truck. He forced a smile onto his face, making himself appear to be as happy as he always was. Today was going to be one crappy day at the store.
~~~
The clock finally hit four, Saul clocked out and was out the back door without saying goodbye to anyone, he had managed his day, now he would get to go home and spend the night curled up in his bed, not having to fear the moment when he would break down any longer. The drive home happened just the way the drive to work happened, much to fast and with reckless abandon. Saul just did not care that day. His escape at work only lasted as long as he had to think, once he finished the fresh tasks and moved on to the menial, tedious jobs his mind was free to wander. Wandering just made him pick at the scabs in his head, reopening the wounds that he just could not close.
Saul got home, once again having survived careless driving on his part and missing any patrolmen out on the roads. Saul unlocked his door and then collapsed, knowing that no one would see him in this place. His whole body convulsed as he sobbed, looking more like a child in pain then a man. “Why can’t I get better?” He screamed, opening the rawest of human emotions, sounding barbaric in his pain.
Then he looked up. “What are you doing here?”
“We need to talk.”
Thoughtlife
And my heart,
Left my chest,
So forgive me.
As you leave to find
That next something new
But I can't
For the life of me remember when
You changed your words from "I love you"
To saying, "you don't know"
Just know that you can't
Take back what you said
Darling, I'm not in the forgiving mood
You kept on replying, it was all in my head
Well your just a liar, and I've got the proof
I've got the proof
So with these few words you'll erase me
Two years of our lives, meant nothing to you
But this fool, that you made of me has a lesson learned
You can't trust a lover, who was never a friend...
...The end
Just know that you can't
Take back what you said
Darling I'm not in the forgiving mood
You kept on replying, it was all in my head
Well your just a liar, and I've got proof
I've got the proof
I would have offered my life,
Taken you home, made you my wife,
But hearing you now,
Filling your mouth,
With the cowards lies,
Your just a disguise.
Of the girl of my dreams
But I know she's waiting for me
So I'll open my eyes,
To the day that's before me,
And leave here to find
That next something new
This is why I love emery. For some reason, their songs just seem to be me. I do not know why, but they do, its pretty awesome.I think it means I need to sit down and chill with Devon Shelton.
Left my chest,
So forgive me.
As you leave to find
That next something new
But I can't
For the life of me remember when
You changed your words from "I love you"
To saying, "you don't know"
Just know that you can't
Take back what you said
Darling, I'm not in the forgiving mood
You kept on replying, it was all in my head
Well your just a liar, and I've got the proof
I've got the proof
So with these few words you'll erase me
Two years of our lives, meant nothing to you
But this fool, that you made of me has a lesson learned
You can't trust a lover, who was never a friend...
...The end
Just know that you can't
Take back what you said
Darling I'm not in the forgiving mood
You kept on replying, it was all in my head
Well your just a liar, and I've got proof
I've got the proof
I would have offered my life,
Taken you home, made you my wife,
But hearing you now,
Filling your mouth,
With the cowards lies,
Your just a disguise.
Of the girl of my dreams
But I know she's waiting for me
So I'll open my eyes,
To the day that's before me,
And leave here to find
That next something new
This is why I love emery. For some reason, their songs just seem to be me. I do not know why, but they do, its pretty awesome.I think it means I need to sit down and chill with Devon Shelton.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Storms
Curfews in dorms suck.
A storm is raging right outside my window. I want to go step into the rain, feel the power as the thunder shakes the ground and my clothes are dripping with the water, the lightning flashes offer glimpses of the world as it is, scary.
I am scared, scared of what I have become, scared of the choices I have made, scared of what I am when I look in the mirror.
Scared of what is going to happen when I close my eyes and fall asleep. Scared of the dreams that may come.
I have been hanging out in Psalms 71 recently, a random find of Scripture when David was scared.
"Rescue me and deliver me in your righteousness;
turn your ear to me and save me
A storm is raging right outside my window. I want to go step into the rain, feel the power as the thunder shakes the ground and my clothes are dripping with the water, the lightning flashes offer glimpses of the world as it is, scary.
I am scared, scared of what I have become, scared of the choices I have made, scared of what I am when I look in the mirror.
Scared of what is going to happen when I close my eyes and fall asleep. Scared of the dreams that may come.
I have been hanging out in Psalms 71 recently, a random find of Scripture when David was scared.
"Rescue me and deliver me in your righteousness;
turn your ear to me and save me
Be my rock of refuge,
to which I can always go;
give the command to save me,
for you are my rock and my fortress."
Psalm 71:2-3
I have been praying, and praying, and praying. At times for every problem to be solved, and times for every problem to just disappear.
My faith is small, which means my fortress is small. Is knowing that going to make things any better?
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