Time to start

Well, after an absence from blogging in order to cure my insanity. I'm back, and no longer insane in that way, so I will start blogging again, and do it every day for awhile. A line a day, as Mrs. Granzow would always say.

The Truth

I am not a hero.
I am the villain, the thief, the one sent to hurt you.
But you escaped.
I knew the world and what I wanted.
But you saw the truth.
I am weak, I am foolish.
I do not know where I am going.
I faked it, hoped I would make it.
Told everyone the path.
I am no better, no more secure.
I know not what to do.
I thought I was the answer.
The way to save you.
When really, I threw you to the wolves.
I was not your escape.
The only way for you to be free.
Is for me to leave.

Smooth

I shaved, again, total baby face.

Since it is so cold and basketball has not been so much of a relaxing thing as it usually is, and more of a bored why am I still playing thing, shaving has become a way to relax.

It is a way to start a new, go a few days and get some scruffle, then shave so that you recognize the face looking back at you, it has gone from personnel grooming to a spiritual experience, like when I take showers until we are out of hot water at home and I just stand there and enjoy the warm liquid rolling down my skin.

Only a fool looks at himself in the mirror and forget what he looks like as soon as he leaves.

I keep staring, hoping that at some point I will remember what I am supposed to do when I was so sure so recently that I was doing right.

I just don't know...

The sounds of the White Stripes have been bombarding me all day.

I just don't know what to do with myself.

I was afraid to come back home, then I was afraid to come back to school, and now nothing really seems to be... Fun.

And at the same time I am not depressed like I was when I first got to Barclay, I remember the feeling of dread every time I left my room for the first few months I was here and now I have no problems with it. I just am struggling to find a point to any of it.

Dude, I don't like being emo Patric.

Time for bed, maybe my cold is effecting my mood.

Homeward bound...

Finals are rounding down, I am about to go home for an extended stay. And after Thanksgiving break, I am scared of returning.

I returned home the first time full of exuberance after knowing what God wanted of me, knowing that Vennard was a thing to show me that the reasons for thinking about returning where crap reasons. And then I got there and realized the crap reason was still there.

I am now faced with returning again, and this time I will probably be unable to avoid seeing her again. I have been pounded with ideas of love for the first nineteen years of my life that have seem to be totally false and I still can not shake it.

I can see no way to escape this, I can see no way to avoid it, and I still feel responsible for it.

I know that as soon as I get home I will receive more messages saying she wants to see me, and I do not know if I will be strong enough to say no this time. Emotions die hard.

Basketball

In less then 24 hours, I will have suited(maybe played) in a basketball game. And this is the most nervous I have felt in years about basketball.

Usually I can not sleep the night before, but that is just due to the pure excitement of knowing that tomorrow I get to pick up a ball and play.

This time, I am scared, I do not know what to expect, I do not know what it will be like.

Basketball has been a magic fix all for me, when I am angry, or sad, or whatever, I just go out and play. Toss up some shots, people generally will not talk to you if you seem intent in it.

But tomorrow it can not be that, because tomorrow the only thing I am worried about is basketball.

But this seems a lot better then everything else that I have worried about the past few months.

Gods Plan

There is a flaw, with those people who believe in God's perfect plan, the one where he uses people to follow and achieve his will.

People screw up, we fail, we make mistakes. The thing that sets us apart, knowledge of right and wrong, is the very thing that tears down His plan.

Every persons plan is directly related to other peoples plans, so if one person decides "You know what, I do not want to go and do this thing, even though I think I am supposed to." And then whoever else was intertwined with that plan is screwed, aren't they?

I am left back where I was, I still firmly believe I was supposed to go to Vennard, and I will be regarded as stupid by many for a "misinterpretation" of God's plan for my life. However, what if there is some rich graduate of Vennard, who was asked by God to give the money to keep it open, who just decided not to?

I do not know what I am going to do, I do not know where I am going to go, but I now have another mistake to add to my list of ever growing regrets.

OT Style

I wonder often if God still works Old Testament style. When we go to church, we hear about His love and how if we don't love Him and accept Jesus we are going to hell.

But what about the Old Testament style earthly punishment from above? Where when you screw up, God lets you know it. He makes you wonder in the wilderness.

I feel like I am in the wilderness. Outside of the promised land. I yearn for the day when He will let me enter, when I will be able to live life and love it again.

For now, I will get by, yes, I still have times I enjoy. But ultimately, I feel like I am being punished for the choice I made to come here.

Ah heck, lets read some more of the depressing books like Hosea, isn't it fun.