Basketball

In less then 24 hours, I will have suited(maybe played) in a basketball game. And this is the most nervous I have felt in years about basketball.

Usually I can not sleep the night before, but that is just due to the pure excitement of knowing that tomorrow I get to pick up a ball and play.

This time, I am scared, I do not know what to expect, I do not know what it will be like.

Basketball has been a magic fix all for me, when I am angry, or sad, or whatever, I just go out and play. Toss up some shots, people generally will not talk to you if you seem intent in it.

But tomorrow it can not be that, because tomorrow the only thing I am worried about is basketball.

But this seems a lot better then everything else that I have worried about the past few months.

Gods Plan

There is a flaw, with those people who believe in God's perfect plan, the one where he uses people to follow and achieve his will.

People screw up, we fail, we make mistakes. The thing that sets us apart, knowledge of right and wrong, is the very thing that tears down His plan.

Every persons plan is directly related to other peoples plans, so if one person decides "You know what, I do not want to go and do this thing, even though I think I am supposed to." And then whoever else was intertwined with that plan is screwed, aren't they?

I am left back where I was, I still firmly believe I was supposed to go to Vennard, and I will be regarded as stupid by many for a "misinterpretation" of God's plan for my life. However, what if there is some rich graduate of Vennard, who was asked by God to give the money to keep it open, who just decided not to?

I do not know what I am going to do, I do not know where I am going to go, but I now have another mistake to add to my list of ever growing regrets.

OT Style

I wonder often if God still works Old Testament style. When we go to church, we hear about His love and how if we don't love Him and accept Jesus we are going to hell.

But what about the Old Testament style earthly punishment from above? Where when you screw up, God lets you know it. He makes you wonder in the wilderness.

I feel like I am in the wilderness. Outside of the promised land. I yearn for the day when He will let me enter, when I will be able to live life and love it again.

For now, I will get by, yes, I still have times I enjoy. But ultimately, I feel like I am being punished for the choice I made to come here.

Ah heck, lets read some more of the depressing books like Hosea, isn't it fun.